She looked at the children laughing in the play room. They are adorable beyond words. She wants one of those. It does come with a package, doesn’t it? To get the product, you must first produce the product. To produce a product, you must have a machine to produce. If you have the machine to produce, you now must then have ingredients for the machine to produce the product. To have the ingredients, you must first have the supplier to the ingredients. There, there.. that’s the root of the problem, isn’t it? The supplier is the problem. Where can she find one? A good supplier is a bit hard to find nowadays. The kind who will not cheat you into giving you spoilt goods.

 

“Hmm.. it perhaps inappropriate to talk about the goods” she chuckled to herself.

 

It’s the supplier she is thinking about. She has tried couple of times before. Just could not find a suitable one. She has befriended couple of suppliers in the past. But she always finds them too persistent most of the time. When things are going well, must they annoy her with all the silly little things? She realized that she is not easy to please sometimes. Often she expects them to know what is going on in her mind and she sulked whenever they are unable to ‘read’ her mind.

 

“Have a look in the water and see whose reflection you see” she tells herself.

 

Perhaps it is not all about them. It’s probably more about her. Is she expecting too much? She realized that she has always been a planner. The type of person who likes to plan things ahead and tries to make sure things will go they way she plans it. It’s like having another life in your mind and it runs according to how you want it to be. She hoped that in this real life, things will go more or less the same way that she has in her mind. Thinking about the past now, perhaps she was the source of all the failures. Always have a plan and always have plan B in case plan A doesn’t work. When things are going well, she just doesn’t settle in that comfort. She worries if the comfort doesn’t last. What will happen to her when it ends? Now she feels suffocated with that thought. Why work for something that is doomed to end anyway? She needs an escape door. Any door will do. She picks the smallest little thing as a reason to run and nothing can stop her from running now. Now she feels free. She took a deep breathe in and feel the sense of freedom.

 

Does she sound crazy? She thinks so now.

 

    “How on earth am I going to get one of those if I’m so afraid of commitment?” and she sigh.

He who has a soft look.
    The eyes that clearly shows he loves me.

He who denies nothing that I wished for.
    Despite the difficulties he encountered for it.

He who has a caring heart.
    The sort that would help all the unfortunates, if only he has the means.

He who is merry.
    His laugh and jokes that enlightened anyone and will forever be alive in my heart.

He who never let me down.     
    Climbing those difficult steps together, hand in hand with me.

He who would let me be in his arms.
    For I am his little girl forever.

He who would always gave a kiss on my cheek.
    It would be a peck of courage to face the day alone before coming back to him.

He who would always shed my tears.
    When life has not been kind to me.

He who always love what I cook.
    Although it was never the best for his taste bud.

He who always gave a smile to lift my tiredness.  
    Appreciating every little thing I do for him.

He who I have learned to understand.
    During the short period of time we had just the both of us.

He who always pray for my success.
    And I am sorry he couldn’t be there to witness.

He who always said that I would be great.
    But I was the one who made the grave decision for him.

He who always be there for me.
    But I wasn’t there when he was facing the painful time of him life.

He who I had made a promise to.
    And I regret I couldn’t fulfill those promises.

He who is my father.
    No longer here with me.
    This aching feeling inside.
    Missing you dearly.
    Braving this world, without you for me to fall back on.

             

Temperature is now less than 15 degrees at most of the time. Rain visits every so often now. Yes, winter is definitely here. There’s no season which I am more confused whether to welcome it with an open handed or to frown on its arrival than winter. I love the coldness of winter. Auckland has a great winter since it doesn’t snow here and I do not have to worry about slipping or falling or even to scoop out the snow from the walkway in front of my house (not that I need to do that even if its snowing here cuz i live in an apartment... lol!). The thing I love most about winter is the fact that I can at last put my collection of jackets to good use. Those who know me well will know my love and passion on jackets. I had this jacket

which I love (and which my dearest best friend bought for me) in the closet for a year before I could use it cause I was sure if I were to use the lovely white Elle trench coat out, say in OU, I would be known to all the occupants of TTDI as ‘the poor psycho girl who wears the lovely white coat under the blazing hot sun’. So yeah, I love winter so much for the reasons above. And I dreaded winter for only 2 reasons. Firstly, it’s just my luck that I will need to do most of my traveling around Auckland when it is winter. Last year I had to go through 1.5hours of traveling to Waimauku for my rural GP. This year it’s an hour bus ride to Waitakere Hospital in west Auckland. Second being the need to umbrella since rains just keep pouring all day long. So? What’s wrong with needing to use the umbrella in the rain? Big deal. Hmmm. When I battle the raging wind of winter, being drenched from the rain is the least thing I cared about. Umbrella serves nil purpose, heck it even adds to my misery, in the crazy winter season of NZ. But I have to say that I’m

glad I’m not in Wellington where the wind is crazy almost all year round, even more in winter. Alhamdulillah.

 

I have a new resolution. I know people usually have resolutions at the beginning of a new year. Since I didn’t have any early this year, I will have it now and will renew in a year from now. Hehe. I want/desperately need to reduce my swiping of eftpos/credit card from impulsive shopping. I will only buy things that I really need and if it’s not a necessity, I will need to ponder over it and weigh it carefully. Do I have something similar to this? Is this a good buy? Can I get this somewhere else with a cheaper price? Can I afford it, or not? Yes, no more impulsive buying!

 

Ouuuuu…. I have new obsession! (and this will reflect back to my need of the above resolution) I fell in love with Kathy Van Zeeland range of handbags. They are so pretty. Handbag charms are its trademark which I think is adorable to be put on handbags. I am now proudly an owner to one of KVZ pretty handbag, due to my unfortunate (or is it fortunate?) impulsivity in shopping. I am looking forwards to their new collections but I don’t think my new resolution would compliment my anticipation on their new range. Hmmm.. this can be a little bit tricky.

 

Me and dearest housemate, Pu3 are planning for a winter excursion to Mt Ruapehu in the coming weekend. A little background on the place – Ruapehu is the one of the most active volcanoes area in the North Island of NZ as well as in the world and it is one of the most popular ski area. It is also known as Mt Doom to the fan of LOTR. Yes, we’re going to Mt Doom (!), following the footsteps on Frodo and Sam. Hehe. I hope the plan will go on smoothly and I will experience my first ever snow soon. And pray to god it will be a safe trip there too.

I came across this article in one of the magazine in my ward. It was a quiet morning after ward round and I went to the nurses’ station to get some info on one of the patient. Then I saw this magazine lying under a pile of medical books. It was rather a boring day, so I just flipped it open and browse through it for the fun of it. That was when I came across this article. It wasn’t a featured article or something. It’s just a correspondence letter to the editor or something like that. It was about a girl.. a Pakeha girl who’s living in the city.

 

Mia, she was a girl of 20 years. A bright university student and an ambitious young lady. She had her life all planned out because she was the kind of person who is a bit OCD when it comes to planning her day.. or planning her schedule for the week.. that sort of person. She came from a middle class family. She was brought up by a loving parent whom she loved dearly. It was such a pity that her father passed away when she was 12 years old, and since then her mother took the responsibility to raise her as well as her older sister. Mom has a 9 – 5pm job which gave her sufficient means to bring up her 2 kids well enough to get them through high school. Mia told few stories of the sacrifices her mom had done for them when they were small. Luckily for mom, with the unconditional love and attention she gave to both her daughters, they have become a successful person. Both of them got into the university with the help of student loan. Mom was getting older by the years and soon might not be able to work anymore. Fair enough, I thought as I was reading the article. She has dedicated her life to support her daughters and made a decent person out of them. It is only fair that now when they are old enough and with the eldest already secured a job, she soon does not have to work that hard anymore, if at all.

 

But Mia was having a hard time understanding why her eldest sister is so cold towards their mother. She reluctantly accepted that their mother has to stop working, now that she’s getting older and her health is not permitting her to do so. She frets about needing to spend her money on another person other than herself. Mia wrote about how the way her sister treats her mother was just unkind and often reduced her mother to tears when her sister is not looking. Mia just couldn’t understand it. Their mother has put her heart and soul in raising them well. What is the value money compared to her sacrifices all the years? And why treat her such way? Their mother doesn’t deserve it at all. With her sister showing signs of not wanting to take care of their mom, the burden now falls on Mia. Mia - who is still studying and had yet to start earning her own means. Mia refused to label taking care of her mom as ‘burden’. She called it a privilege. She would love taking care of her after all she had done for her.  She might not be wealthy or earning much in the future but she is convinced that it would be enough for her and her mother to live comfortably. She just has some difficulty understanding the whole thing with her sister and that bothers her to the edge. Basically she just needs to vent and that was the reason she wrote to the correspondence column.

 

I couldn’t help but ponder about Mia’s story. And I think I understood Mia’s feeling. If I was her, I would just take my mother and go live somewhere else far from my sister so that my sister could not hurt my mother more than she has done. Both my mom and I could live happily, just the two of us. But life isn’t that simple, is it?

The past 6 weeks has been a blast for me. Reached sabah at the end of march just to start my elective on the very next day. I did feel anxious about doing my elective in QE hospital alone. The thing is, I hate doing things alone. The attention will shift onto you and you’ll feel like a specimen under the microscope. Over-dramatic? Probably I am.

 

But alhamdulillah, everything went well. My time in QE hospital was a memorable one. Everybody in the A&E was very kind to me and friendly. Some were just a like a shadow passing through a phase of my life that I spent there, some did managed to leave their footprint. Overall, it was a great experience.

 

Staying with mom for a month was great too. It felt like light-years since the last time I really spend literally 24 hours/7 days a week with mom. I have been living, somewhat alone in the past years and being independent. A chance to be pampered was extremely welcomed and truthfully, I feel like a small girl again. Although it did came with a price. 1: Phone bill and 2: weight.

 

When you have been living on your own for a while, you would get used to do anything without needing to let someone know or getting permission. Nope, I learned my lesson this time around. No matter how old you are or how independent you think you are.. if you’re not attached i.e married, always let your mother know where you are going. Lol. I sure will remember this one.

 

I am now officially scared of the weighing machine. It was actually not a good idea to come back looking slimmer than you have been padahal its because you have been eating Maggi for the past one month for your every meal, cuz your mom will get worried and decided to treat you to every possible food outlet in her area. And it is YOU that have to live with the consequences *sigh*

 

After the elective, my mom and I went, joined by my cousin’s family went on a roadtrip to Brunei and Miri. It was a tiring 8 hours drive, 8 stops to get immigration stamps and two ferry ride to cross the river before we could reach Bandar Seri Begawan. After a night there, we continue our trip with another 4 hours drive to reach Miri, after needing to go through another 2 stops for immigration stamps and crossing a RM10 bridge. We were relieved to reach Miri and spent the whole night ‘recovering’. Miri was quite nice, more than Brunei in our opinion. After 2 nights in Miri, we checked out from the hotel very2 early morning and started our 10+ hours drive back from Miri to K.Kinabalu without stopping in Brunei. It was a heck of a drive. Penat giler! I do not want to drive to Miri from KK ever again. But overall, it was quite an experience.

 

Went back to KL the very next day after we reached KK. A had a wonderful 8 days in KL. Had my long awaited ronggeng sessions with orked. Visited the place where our friendship began a.k.a INTEC in shah alam. We also went to Fraser’s Hill, joined in by syaufiq. And I got to catch up with a couple of good friend. All in all, I had a fun time back home.

 

Now I’m here writing this on my last night in sabah. With the bag by my side, just waiting for me to seal it (berat giler!). I am waiting for my flight to go back to Auckland tmrw morning. I am dreading it, like every single time when I have to go back. *sigh*

 

Tak nak balik… (Tears rolling down my cheeks)

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a utopian citizen
Still convinced there's no such thing as idealism

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreaming
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn't soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind

Tell me when I'll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I don't want to keep on believing in illusions

Sometimes I can't explain
And I'm so sorry that I can't
I'll try to concentrate
On your true identity

The heat is just unbearable lah. I know I’m complaining about a trivial thing here and am being gedik about the heat, konon mcm org putih lah. But honestly, if it doesn’t bother me that much, I wouldn’t be writing it. Sabah is much more warmer than kl, so far as I can remember that is. Hmmmm.. puteri lilin sudah aku nih.

 

Am back in M’sia for almost 3 weeks now for elective. Everything is going on well. What’s not to like? All expenses paid when you’re living with mom. Hehe.. To top it up, I got my own car here which helped me a lot to get around. Being independent is much 3X more easier than having to depend on others. Hospital attachments is alrite. Spent the first week in general medicine ward.. which makes me more adamant that I do not want to be a medical physician. Some can be a straight forward case, but some can be like finding a needle in a haystack. You just find yourself at the end of the road without knowing where to go. And it’s frustrating to be feeling like a failure. Not just to yourself, but to the patient as well. It’s the reality of medicine – that I know. But I get exasperated at the end of the day, and that is not the way to live your life. At least that’s what I think.

 

Emergency medicine is much more exciting, to me personally. And I’ve always love ED work. It’s much more straight forward and at the end of the day you either admit the patient, in which you will transfer their care to other team or you will discharge them home. Of course, occasionally you will have death in the ED. Last week, there was a case of motor vehicle accident. A man was ran over by a public mini van (sabah still have plenty of that). We tried to revive him for hours. Attempt for intubation was made.. let me see, hmm… 3 times by the medical assistant (medical assistant yer! Not even the doctor. Their reasoning was that the MAs have more experience.. I have my personal opinion on this matter but I will hold my tongue on it.. hmmm). All the attempt failed, of course. Watching his technique too.. hmm, I have to say that many of the ‘don’t’ we were taught on intubation in medical school were made by the MA. But I shall lot elaborate more and place the blame on anybody. Then the boss came and attempted again. Failed first time but managed the second time.. but he did it so efficiently. Exactly the skill an emergency physician needs, and even doctors.. hmmmph.. Patient was stable initially but crashed suddenly. Blood pressure was just shooting down and we had no choice but to start CPR. I, of course, sibuk2 and climbed up to join the action. Thrill gak sbnrnye. As I was trying to rhythmically push over his mediastinum to pump his heart, I can’t help myself from glancing to see the face of the man I was attempting to save. Poor man, I thought. It was not his fault that the van driver lost control and hit him. What was he doing before the van strike him? What was he thinking at that time? He didn’t survive, of course. I went home early that day, trying to sink in the reality that seeing death is inevitable in this profession. Maybe I’m taking everything personally cause I’m always amazed that lots of doctors manage to make themselves detach from the person they are treating. It’s probably my issues. But I have to always reflect on things whenever I face with a death of a patient. I can’t find myself dismissing the event just like that at the end of the day. A good or bad quality to have? I’m not sure..

 

So, anyway.. on a lighter note, I have a newfound cause to come to ED religiously now. The first week in ED, I was really hardworking. I’ll be in ED at 8am sharp and leave close to 5pm (ye ke? ). My enthusiasm seems to went dry at the end of the week. Went for a night shift from 10pm to 8am the next morning on Sunday nite and it’s really different experience altogether. No trivial matter presented in ED at such late night. Few MVA cases and couple of drunken man with cuts needing sutures. Was close to 2am and I was getting a bit sleepy and patient influx is slow by then. So I make my way to the minor operating theatre to see if there’s any suturing that I can observe. 2 patients waiting and one of the MA was preparing to suture the first dude. Drunk man, talked rubbish all the way, which I find amusing. Poor young MA – a kadazan hunk named Ezrie had to layan his rubbish talk and keep him still at the same time while trying to suture his head. I decided to helped him lah – partly cuz he needs the help and partly cuz he’s a candy to my eye . He keeps on addressing me as ‘doctor’. I wanted to correct him as I am not yet one, but somehow words seems to be gone when I looked at him. Haha.. 3am – ED has become really quite and everybody was a bit bored. Me and ezrie found a tendon hammer and decided to practice on each other. Hmmmmmm… I would never say no to an opportunity to learn *cough*cough* So it was an interesting night shift for me.. 

 

From Monday till today were totally a ronggeng day for me and sakti. Went to hospital only half a day and disappear to town as soon as the clock hit 11am. My guilty conscience was too overwhelming by today that I decided to go the ED for a while after a day in the town with sakti. As I walked in, the ED doesn’t seem to be too crowded. Good lah, I thought. I’ll just see what’s happening while waiting sakti to finish getting her half-deaf ear checked before I head home. Saw that kadazan hunk, gave me a wink that made me blush . Hmm, what’s happening to me? Then met my medical officer.. “haih? Pagi tadi pergi mane?”, she said. I felt a slight pang on my already blushing cheek. Guilty conscience creeping in deeply… and deeper now. I just gave her a grin. She wanted to introduce me to a new elective partner, she said. New elective partner? Then came a tall blonde mat saleh dude.. was in a daze for a few second. He introduced himself as Mark. The shy nurul can’t seem to find her words but recover wonderfully after a while. Luckily this dude is friendly, it’s easy to crawl out of my shell and have a lengthy conversation with this stranger. My kadazan hunk walked in as I was talking to blonde dude. I wanted to strike a conversation with kadazan hunk too but he went off as quickly as his glance at us. Hmm, apa nih?  Busy sgt ke? Sakti walked in to find me after a while. Introduced her to Mark and she can’t stop telling me that the blonde dude is cute after that. She even brushed off my kadazan hunk. Geez.. I need to remind her on dasar pandang ke timur.

 

Went home today feeling recharged despite my hypersomnolence state today due to lack of sleep. I shall have to go to ED early from tmrw onwards. Haha.. decided to do night shift again tmrw. Why? I’m not even sure. Whatever it is, I have something to look forward to this next couple of days. At least it keeps me entertained in this current lonely life of mine.

Having to start my first day of selective after reaching sabah at a very early morning hour of that very same day, I found myself unmotivated at all to do any work. After waiting 2 hours just to see the person in charge of all elective students, I was glad to learn that elective students are not required to attend any ward rounds and clinic formally. They are given total freedom to schedule themselves wherever and with whichever specialties they desire. This means, I get to go home soon after settling my errands for a much needed sleep and rest (yeay!). And I did.

Despite still having the remnants of tiredness post-24 hours total duration of traveling from Auckland to Sabah, I wasn’t able to get any sleep. Probably cause I’m not used to having afternoon naps ever since I was small. I picked up a book that again caught my interest, the first time I saw it was slightly before I left for Auckland during my last holiday back home, which was called ‘A Reluctant Politician’. I remembered the curiosity I’ve always had in me about the life on the person which my residential area was named from. He must have done good things, if not great, to be given such honour. The only bit I know was that he was one of the country’s leaders in the past. And to see an autobiography on Tun Dr Ismail resurface my interest.

I’ve only read 36 pages of the book which was mainly about his life as a medical student in Melbourne University. It felt as if I was reading his diary as it had many quotes from his own private letters written to his father. I also realized one thing about Tun, which I can’t help but compare to myself. He was a very hardworking lad. He spent heaps of time studying and I can’t help feeling ashamed while reading the book. The amount of time I spent on my books was incomparable to his and yet I crave to be a great person as he is. Being far from home is not easy as well because we can easily fall into the trap of overindulging personal and social freedom. Quoting from the book again on the Tun’s request to his father “to remind me now and then about my responsibilities because when one is away from home, one is apt to forget that one has responsibilities to those at home”, I found these words like a knife striking me at the very core of my heart. I ought to be more sensible next time I seek for ‘relaxing and fun’ time.

I’m looking forward to finish my reading on Tun’s life. And till I do that, I shall leave you guys at that.

I think it’s amazing. It’s a wonder, to me at least, how self-centred a person can be. I have not met this kind of person in a longest time. Come to think of it, I have never met one. How can a person’s mind limited to caring for their own self and their own need without trying to appreciate what other people feels? I’m still perplexed by the event that happened couple of weeks back. I’m still trying to make sense of the whole situation.

 

What is a conversation? Oxford describes it as an informal exchange of ideas by spoken words. The key word here is EXCHANGE. It’s a two way street. You give, I take and when I give, you’re supposed to take it as well. Talking about you all the time is not really a conversation, is it? It’s really frustrating to be doing this one-sided activity over and over again. I take it as failure to find a common interest between two people. Fair enough. It probably is the reason.

 

Let’s take A and B as subjects, shall we. Out of courtesy and politeness, if A makes an effort to understand and be interested in B’s point of discussion, wouldn’t it be fair if B show’s the same respect for what A has to say? For all you know, you might find a common interest if the conversation goes on. What do you call a ‘conversation’ where B talks constantly about itself and becomes unresponsive when A starting talking? SELF-ABSORBED. Try talking to a self-absorbed person couple of times and see whether or not you are fuming with anger.

 

Don’t ask A why it keeps on trying to have a conversation with B. It’s a whole different story..

And oh, being shy does not equal to being not interested.

Out of the corner of my tired eyes
I’m not surprised it’s now a quarter past too late
Nothing new, it’s not a case out of the ordinary
I’m so very wrapped around your finger this time
Won’t you give me awhile to unwind?


You’re on top of the world
And I’m just waiting, making up your excuses
You say that love’s tough
Are you sure?
Isn’t it just a piece of cake to make me look like a fool?
You're on top of the world
If you're thinking I've been blinking
While you're breaking the rules
Don't that make you the fool?


You’re like a splinter
Just killing me slowly from inside
The piercing winter is so much more inviting
Than the stare in your eyes
You’re just staring, weighing, breaking me down
I’m crying out but you don’t hear a sound


Hope I’ve lost enough to win you back your prize
To put you up sky high
Get your pride back to its familiar place
And I hope it’s cost enough of my precious time
To lift your spirits and spark your smile

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on.. i'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, i will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
but I haven't forgotten my way home

The art of living well and dying well are one

-          Epicurus-

 

I do believe that this saying is true, although I must admit that I haven’t thought about dying as much as living. Which is a shame, I feel, because the two comes together and living can never exist without dying and vice versa. We spend an incredible amount of time thinking and planning about our life, our future, about living and we seldom make an effort to think about the end. Being young and healthy, we seem to think that death will not come knocking on our door that soon.

 

I have a pleasure meeting an incredibly wonderful lady during on my visit to the hospice today. Slightly more than a year ago, she was a cheerful, attractive and a happy person. A wife and a mother to a 1 year old girl. Today, she’s 35 years old cancer patient and facing death. There was nothing more that they could do for her except for ongoing chemotherapy, which does not promise her total clearance of the cancer cells. Looking at her, with the exception of her being quite pale, I would never guess that she was sick.

 

One of the things that we talked about was the grief cycle. It’s a roller coaster ride of activity and passivity of a person’s effort to come in terms with what is happening to them, before they could reach the acceptance stage. The family/whanau also goes through it when they lost their loved ones. Discussing about this in the hospice made me realize what I went through 3 years back was indeed the grief cycle. It seems clear now – the stages of the cycle: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Thinking about it, I think I went back and forth from anger to depression for a quite a while before finally accepting the whole situation. Timeline varies.

 

Experiencing it changes your perspective of things in life. You start to value the things you used to take for granted and appreciate the small things and the moments you spend with people around you. For me, it took a great loss to gain an insight.

Leaving is so hard this time around. I’ve never had problem leaving. I’ve always enjoyed the freedom being far from home. It’s different this time. I blame it on the long holiday that I needed since the beginning of the year. But then I realize that perhaps it’s more than just that. I’m leaving behind something rather precious but uncertain to me. It’s like a watching a movie which I enjoy every second of it. But then, half way through, I have to leave. I don’t know how the ending would be. Fun? Sad? Even if its not a very nice ending, I would rather stay. But I have to leave and never know how it will be. I haven’t put much effort in it yet. There’s a lot of stories I wanted to share. I’m blabbering shit right now. Bottom line – I don’t wanna leave.

So what's this big secret you can't tell me
I don't want a piece of this
Haven't we all had enough
Enough for one day
I don't wanna argue with you
You've got me shivering in my spine
 
If everything turned out as we had said
We wouldn't have to sit through any of this
Maybe I would be a better fit in my own skin

I'm not gonna try to divide or ignore you
And the pieces of the puzzle that never seem to fit
I'm not playing hangman with you
I've run out of letters, let alone words
You've got me shivering in my spine

If everything turned out as we had planned
We wouldn't have to go through any of this
Maybe it'll be more simple than you could ever think

So stay right where you are
We're snoozing through an alarm
Make no sudden movements
Just tell me where we are
Cause here I am
There you are
Snoozing through an alarm

If everything turned out as we had said
We wouldn't have to go through any of this
Maybe

My god, i can't believe how lazy i have been these past two weeks. Have been planning to update this deserted blog since months ago. Now that i'm too full to hope into bed after sahur on this rether cold and not-so-quiet morning, i guess i should at last do one of the things that i have been postponing since ages ago

Things are good here. I'm good. Auckland's good too. Winter has slowly turning into spring, which is kinda great. I'm rather tired walking down to the city at 6am in the morning, in the cold winter, trying to catch the earliest bus to the hospital. And i am desperately trying to cut down the consumption of food which has significantly increasing due to the cold weather (yeeah... blame it on the weather..). Hospital postings since the last holidays has been interesting and enjoyable, with the exception of the last one cuz by that time, i was already set on holiday and could not focus on work anymore.

The second postings block kicked off after i came back from the-great-holiday in KL with GP posting. It was good having a break from hospital itself and have a go in the community setting. My rural GP was a bit far, having to travel almost an hour each way everyday but it was good fun cuz there were a lot of hands-on experience gained. Plus, the team was extremely nice and chatty. This was when the storm season hit NZ. It was raining almost everyday with gales that literally could blow u away, and there i was waiting for a bus under a wooden bus stop, which could easier flew off (thank god it didn't). All in all, it was a good experience.

Then starts Emergency Department, which i simply love! 2 weeks feels inadequate. Despite having doing it in the less favourite hospital, i enjoyed myself. So yeah.. it was great. Anaesthetics was... urmm.. monotonous. Well, at least to me it was. The whole physiology concept was fun.. But job wise, it was zzZZZzzzz Then come Locomotor, again, in the less favourite hospital. I was dreading this one big time. It has the potential to be fun and exciting, but the lack of teaching and organization in the hospital in addition to my increasing holiday moods makes me dreading this posting sooo bad. I was doing everything last minute (my fault, obviously). OMG there were a lot to learn for locomotor OSCE! And tiny girl doing hip examination on a big tall mat saleh guy was not really a pretty sight. To bear the weight of his leg was difficult for me, let alone moving it around and doing all sorts of tests (sheeeshhh... sports medicine out of the picture for me). I need to get fit.. i need more energy.. *sigh*

And then comes holiday.. yeay! Had the opportunity to do all the things i have been procrastinating i.e cleaning my room (finally!). I have never been so messy in my whole life before i starts medicine.. hehe.. Fastings started 4 days after holiday start, which was great. At least the first couple of days of puasa, i can hope into bed anytime in the day if i feel like it. hehehehe.. 2 weeks of lectures will start next week and then i'm off to Hamilton for 6 weeks for General Medicine. I'll be away during raya (sob! sob!). And my conscience has been creeping in as the exams is coming in less than 2 months and i still have not start studying! Hope to get into high-level study mode straight away after this (hopefully..)

So yeah..that's about it. End of september is coming.. and i have tinge of regret in myself cuz i won't be able to be here with my best friend on her birthday. I hope she'll forgive me for that.

Other than that, hope to hear from you guys. Especially those in Seremban, who are currently enjoying psych under Dr Xavier.. hihihi..

It has been months since i last updated this site.. I just had been busy these couple of weeks and whatever free time are usually spent with sleeping or tidying up the mess i made in my room during my period of 'busy'ness. hehe.. well, to answer curiosity yg few kind ppl, yes dearie.. i'm fine 

There's not much exciting stuff happening the past month. It's cold now here, winter time. But it's great that the winter is not as cold as in the UK or even as near as the south island on NZ. It's comfortable cold. But the trouble comes when the wind blows   that's when my neck muscle starts to spasm it was without the presence of a scarf. or my knees began to knock each other cuz of shivering without a thermals on. *sigh* and the need to walk to catch the bus as early as 6.45am when the sky is still dark and the temp is still low is definately not helping with my need to stay warm, particularly under the duvet with the electric blanket on                               
Hopefully winter will end soon and in comes the lovely spring! (lama lg rasanye nih)                                                                                                                                                                                       

The first day of my last week in Auckland before I head back home for 2 weeks holiday.. so far everything went well. Day started reall good. Woke up, look at the cloudy sky (just the way i like it!), got ready and walk to catch the bus. Didnt have to wait for too long cuz the bus was on time (which rarely happens in my previous 4 weeks experience taking bus 042 *sigh*). I was under the impression that I need to present a paper today, so I was muttering to myself the whole journey to Point Chavalier practising my presentation. I had the Ipod headphone on me so that I looked as if I was singing along, without making any obvious sound of course.. I'm still incapable of singing in public. Arrived in the clinic earlier than my consultant, so I head into the ward to check on some information of a patient. All of the patients were hanging around the lounge area cuz they just had their breakfast. As usual I just make my way towards the nursing unit without glancing at anybody (still a bit terrified of the patients.. very bad of me). Then I heard a voice calling out my name rather loudly "Nurul!" Turn around and I saw my 'favourite patient' smiling at me. As I smile back, my head was just shouting "WHAT?? he knows my name now???". He held his hand out, wanting to have a handshake. I have declined this before once, right after the 'kiss' event, cuz I was worried he's too unwell to think about the right thing to do. So I decided it wont be polite to declined his gesture again, plus, he has been looking quite well past few days. He took and then kissed my hand. I went "whoa!" but I have to say.. It was rather sweet =P But I am hoping not to see him ever again on the streets after this week ends. It's just freaky.. Met my consultant and he told me to present the paper tomoro. Yeay! What a good day so far..

I realised something today as I was walking back home while listening to my Ipod.. I did not realise that I was still hooked on Gundu Manga song till now. It's even in Most Played Songs playlist! I went "OMG!" Raj and Sak has damaged me with this song! I even remember the steps to the dance.. Now that's what I called subconscious obsession =P

On another note, I can't wait to be back in KL. Lots of people to see. Lots of things to eat. Lots of stuffs to buy =D Will hope to catch up with as many people as possible.. Bag is semi-packed, mainly with stuffs other people asked me to bring back for them. Anyway, can't wait for this 5 days to end..

Second run/attachment of the 4^th year clinical has been rather fun and surprisingly interesting. What I mean by ‘fun’ is a different kind of fun. I’ve always felt that psychiatry is never my cup of tea. I don’t really know much about it before and I just assumed that it’s boring and scary at the same time. But I guess you have to see it for yourself before you can make your judgement. After 3 weeks in Mason clinic, I’m seeing a whole different side of one the controversial area of medicine.

 

Before I start blabbering about my experience in the clinic, let me just give a brief intro to what Mason clinic is. It a mental health clinic which specifically accommodate forensic cases. Which means,  any criminals who are suffering or suspected of having sickness of the mind (as psychiatrist here would like to call it) will be chucked into Mason for assessment. Hence, making the place really tough on the security and safety measures. Walking into the ward everyday, I can’t help myself from feeling a cautious and guarded. Although they are pretty much sedated and under medication most of the time, I just have this imagination of being cornered and beaten up for no reason (maybe I’m the one whose having delusions.. haha).

 

There has been much prejudice towards people who has mental illness. The stigma still roaming around the community. I wouldn’t say I’ve never feel that way. But I guess, now I can see them more as a person with an illness than just a weirdo walking down the street. They’re the same as the patient with gallstones or a patient with fever. They have an illness and the illness is in their mind. Interesting, because you have to have a different approach. You need more than just medical knowledge, you need a good social skills and people skills. Gaining their trust is such an essential thing that if you don’t have it, you’ll be stuck at the dead end. You’ll never going to go anywhere in terms of treating them. You need more than just textbook knowledge. It’s more holistic. And that’s a challenge.

 

I saw lots of psychotic patients. And I like listening to them. They always have an interesting delusions bout how their body have been replaced by someone else, how they think that they are suppose to introduce new religion to the world and marilyn manson is the’prophet’, how they can talk to the animals and lots of other stories that you’d never heard of. Different people has a different stories and there’s always bizarre and weird and funny. It’s amazing how human mind works in the most outrageous way.

 

Considering psychiatry as a sub-specialty? Yes. Although I still can’t see myself doing it, but I’ll not brush it off aside too quickly. Forensic psychiatry is hardcore, fun and interesting. I guess that kiss from the patient might have change my perspective about psychiatry. Haha.. It took a kiss to change the mind. Oh my…

 

After 6 weeks of early morning walk to the hospital, busy ward rounds, marathon around the hospital to see patients, long hours of just standing observing surgical procedure with occasional opportunities to scrub in, stressful assignments and paper presentation..easter break finally here! I didnt even realise that we wud have a long holiday (5 days in considered long for us) until a week before it started. And i thought, if we didnt take this opportunity to drive out auckland, the next holiday will be very far away. So we did. Me, pu3 and nana decided to take a trip to a place called Rotorua.

We rented a car and drove 3 hours down to Rotorua.. the scenery during the journey was awesome. I've heard the kiwis said that sheeps in NZ are 10x more than the number of ppl but i dun quite believe them. At least not until i went to the countryside. Its one farm after another full with sheeps and cows. If you look as far as ur eyes can see, its just acres and acres of green land. Very nice, a change to the normal rock forest of the city.

Rotorua was nice. There's a lot of things to do and to see there. Rotorua is a place where there's a lot of volcanoes. But it's not active anymore (i think).. so, its a geothermal area and there's a lot of lakes around the area. We went to Buried Village, it's a former Maori village which was half buried in the last volcanic eruption in 1886. The blast was so loud, ppl in Christchurch could here it (rotorua and christchurch are in different island.. jgn la kiranye). It's quite a nice place to visit and has beautiful scenery and waterfall. We enjoyed the place very much. Next, we went to Agrodome where lots of extreme activities are placed here. Of course we didnt go for bungy (not for now, at least). We went for Zorb, or bak kata pu3, hamster ball. It's a gigantic ball, where we climbed inside (all 3 of us) and with a bucket of water inside the ball, they rolled the ball around few hundred metres down the hill. That was fun!! We absolutely loved it. Nana wanted to go again later when her parents are here. hehe.. serious best giler.We stayed at a backpackers place which has a mexican theme. The layout of the place was nice and we love our stay there. Later that night, after the exciting day, we were really hungry (u can't imagine). we walked around the town trying to decide where to eat. We had dinner at a place called Fat Dog.. heheh.. Me and pu3 had seafood pasta, which they were very generous with their portion and ingredients. Perut dh lapar, bagi ape pun rase sedap. We gulped it all in the matter of minutes. hahaha..

Next day, we went to Wai-o-tapu thermal wonderland early in the morning. Basically, tempat nih ade geyser and mud pool and sulphul-smelled pools. It's kinda nice. We watched the geyser at stuff. Okay for picture taking.. but the smell.. huhuhu.. enough said. We then took a 3 hours drive to Waitomo to see the famous Glowworm cave. The journey was.. not as expected. We took a shortest route to Waitomo but include 12 km of jalan berbatu2.. and there were no other cars using the road. We wasnt sure whether we took the right way or not. But we just drive. hahha.. that was a fun journey. We successfully reached the place tho, after missing a turn and passing thru winding roads and taking curves at 100km/h (cuz nk kejar masuk cave before 3.45pm).. It was worth it cuz the place was really2 nice. I'm glad we chose to go there even tho it's very far and out of the way between rotorua and auckland.

We reached home on sunday nite.. and we were all tired giler.. But it was a worthy trip and we had so much fun together. Great ppl to travel with. Looking forward for the next trip with these girls.

P/s: Pictures are going to be uploaded.

I've been down so low,
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong
Well, staring through a window
Standing outside
They're just too happy to care tonight
Wanna be like them, but I'll mess it up again
I tripped my way in, got kicked outside
And everybody saw

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just wanna cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
I can only see it when you're here
Here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I get away so easily
But if I had someone
I would do anything
Never let you feel alone
I won't leave you on your own
Who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools
They let you down

And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me
Maybe just a little letter
It could start again

And I know that it's a wonderful world,
I can't feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just wanna cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
I can only see it when you're here
Here with me